Resolutions Shmesolutions!

Quit looking at me like I'm evil. I said it and I meant it! I think New Year's Resolutions are a bunch of malarky made up by the motivational speakers of the world. How is writing down something I want on a piece of paper the last night of the year any different than doing it during the year? Sure, it's fun to look at a list and see...
-I will wear make-up everytime I leave the house.
...but I'm not gonna be any more successful than I was the last time I said I'd do that unless I take the time to figure out HOW I'll do it, WHAT I need to do to stick to it, and maybe, a REWARD, for being good.

Herein lay (or is it lie?) my problems.
1st: I don't know how to do make-up. I suppose I could go to the Mac counter and have the guy that talks funny or the girl with crazy hair, neither of whom I'd really like to trust, "teach" me what looks best on my face.
2nd: I guess I could ask my roommate to help me make sure I follow through. But then again, there was that one time she said, "You're not allowed to look better than me when we go hang out." Yeah-that'll be a real motivator.
3rd: A reward? The only thing I can think of is that I'll use up all my make-up and have to go buy more. And I hate spending money-so that's no reward.

And there you have it. I've successfully sabotaged my New Year's Resolution before it's even started. And I've changed my mind; it's not malarky, but a conspiracy. The motivational speakers know you'll fail, and you'll have to keep coming back to figure out what you're doing wrong, which in turn keeps them in business. Jerks.

For the record, I've never paid to go see a motivational speaker, but I know they're not out there talking for free so somebody's gotta be givin' them something. Right?

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever!

The Herdmans got nothin' on my family. I'm not saying they're not the stars of the best Christmas book ever, but they are not the stars of the best Christmas pageant ever. My family is.

Forget an angel that beats up

the Shepherds. Ours was

great with child!

And a wiseman bearing

ham? Puh-lease! Ours

was the strongest to

have ever ventured

from the East.

*Bragging time-out: Does

anyone else have a Dad

this tough?! Yeah, I didn't

think so. Someone told me once, "Your Dad is the closest thing we 

have around here to Chuck Norris."

And finally; none of this juvenile-delinquent-turned-refugee stuff. The youngest, most bright-eyed and fidgety kids played our Mary and Joseph couple.

Some of my favorite Nativities of the past include last year's, which featured a 2-year old Chinese angel as well as a tiny Chinese Baby Jesus. A few years previous we were blessed with more participants than usual. As a result, we literally had a multitude of Heavenly Hosts and a plethora of shepherds along with some new characters; namely the camel and llama.

It should also be noted that this year's Wiseman, Melchior, also doubled as the narrator, quoting perfectly (with a few added words for comedic affect) Luke 2: 1-16 as he has done nearly every year since age 4.

For Shame!

I am so disappointed with my favorite candy companies this season! The Christmas candy which I look forward to most all season is no more. Mars and Hershey's have disappointed me greatly on 3 accounts.

1. Mint m&m's. First and foremost, these candies, which usually seem so prevalent during the Christmas season were impossibily hard to find! When I finally did, I went home rejoicing only to find that they'd be changed! They weren't my regular sized m&m's, but bigger. This in turn, resulted in too much mint flavor; rather like a Dutch Mint. Now, I think Dutch Mints are good enough, but if I want some I'll go buy them. I don't want them disguised in the form of my favorite m&m product.

2. Hershey's Mint Kisses. These are some of the best candies Hershey's has ever produced and imagine my disappointment when they were nowhere to be found come early December. I've continued my search for them throughout the season, but to no avail. I did, however, find a petition online to sign in favor of bringing them back (I don't know why they left). I signed it.

3. I am sad to say, it is again Hershey's who has commited the offense. It really is sad to me as I am one of Hershey's biggest fans and I am confused by how callously they have treated me. This time, it's the Cookies n' Mint Nuggets that I am missing. I remember when this product originally came out it was not a seasonal item. However, I quickly realized it wasn't as prevalent as I would wish, but only came around at Christmastime. That's okay, I thought. What better way to celebrate my favorite season than with one of my favorite candies? Well-time for my disappointment to triple as these were also missing. I even checked online, and they're listed as "out of stock!" If you know you have a popular candy, wouldn't you try to please the masses by having enough?

Fortunately, through all this trial, I have found one saving grace. It was surprising to me as it came in the form of a brand I tend to hold in disdain as its efforts to satisfy me usually fall far short of my not-so-sophisticated taste. Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark. Seriously folks, this stuff is fantastic! As you'll see from the packaging, it's a limited edition so I suggest you head out to buy some quickly. You will not be dissapointed.

And finally, as I re-read this post before permanently placing it on my blog, I'm slightly embarrassed at the passion I hold for this subject. But only slightly.

I'm An Oxy-Moron

Seriously, I make no sense. I leave the wonderful land of Utah to escape the freezing winters and enjoy my life in sunny AZ. Then, two weeks ago when I was home I couldn't get enough of the snow! It was so gorgeous. I was loving the weather, the feel of the Christmas season and I was sad to leave it all behind. Seriously, I need to figure out what I want in life and stick with it. 

I went miniature golfing today-and the

 weather was 63 degrees! How cool is that? Actually, I guess it's warm. Ha. I loved the warmth and the fact that I was outside in just a long-sleeved shirt.

Still, I can't wait to go home this weekend! Really, don't you think this pictures are pretty?!

I May Fail As A Mother...

I'm pretty sure that images like these should evoke feelings of empathy, nurturing and some sort of innate reaction to perform impressive First Aid. Instead, I just laugh. I think they're hilarious! 

I can just picture in my head right now, my future child running into the glass screen door I've so carefully cleaned, possibly resulting in a monster goose-egg and there I am, rolling on the floor with laughter. 

What if I fail the motherhood test?

Dear Santa-

I've been tryin' real hard all year to be a good girl. Honestly. Below you will find my wishes for this Christmas season.

1. A penguin. I'll name him Peter.

2. More opportunities to use the words pedantic and pretentious. Maybe even simultaneously. 

3. No more split ends. Ever.

4. To not feel guilty about how much I love reality TV.

5. Patience for people that drive me crazy. 

6. My own private airplane complete with pilot to take me home whenever I wanted.

7. For my friend, Emily, to re-learn how to use the phone and/or email so I know that she hasn't really dropped off the face of the earth. (Probly from Velveeta poisoning.)

8. To get over my phobia of technology so I can fully appreciate my new computer. 

Love-

Barbaloot Suit 

As Promised...

Um, in case you didn't know, I don't understand technology. So, unfortunately you'll have to watch this video with your head sideways. It's worth it though.

Ich Liebe Germany!

Before, if you'd asked me why I love Germany, I would have given some trite response like the language is fantastic, or the country is beautiful. Well, now I can tell you that I love it because of drunken accordian players and sticky waffles.
Seriously folks, drunken entertainment, Bavarian music and good food. Who could ask for anything more?
I suppose it would have helped if there had been a chubby Germany boy dancing along...oh wait, there WAS definitely a chubby German boy dancing along. In leiderhosen no less. The video is forthcoming...

I Am My Mother's Daughter

My mom likes to claim that I'm nothing like her. That after waiting years to have a daughter, she was shocked to find out I'm not what she expected. That I am, in fact, much more like my father. Well, while I tend to gravitate more towards my father's personality, there are things I do in my life that make me realize just how much like my mother I really am.
Case in point:
-There's no one in this world that likes my dad more than me, except my mom.
-I'm sorry mom, but my embarrassing inability to dance stems from you. You can't be offended, cuz I'm saying I'm the same way.
-Sarcasm. Enough said.

I could continue, but there's one trait in particular that, for some reason, I never noticed until recently. The names of our dolls.

Back in the day, my mom and her sister got these two dolls. Aunt Patti thought "Treetop" was a beautiful name for a doll. So my mom, being the realistic person she is, thought the doll might fall out of said tree top, and when she did it would go "Thud." So that's what she named her doll. Seriously, I dare you to find someone with a weirder doll name than "Thud."

So, years later, I come along. I can't remember all my dolls names, but my brother's are very fond of some of them (or maybe it's that they're fond of making fun of them...). Namely: Vanilla, Product 19 and Spoon Truck Nonsense. Now, I clearly remember naming the one "Vanilla" because she was the exact color of the vanilla ice cream my dad ate from Schwan's. As for the other two, I have no reasonable explanation other than to say I am my mother's daughter and that's all there is to it.

Pilgrims+Indians=Good Food

Preamble: This is my list of "thanks." Not the serious I'm-grateful-for-my-family type "Thanks," but the trite, I-could-live-without-this-but-I'm-glad-I-don't-have-to, type "Thanks."

-I'm grateful for the movie 'Swiss Family Robinson.' 

-I'm grateful for useless, waste-of-paper magazines that gossip about celebrities I think are lame cuz it keeps me amused when my flight is delayed.

-I'm grateful for dead cow. It ties with chocolate covered strawberries as my favorite food. I don't think I will get to eat either of them on the actual Day of Thanks. Ironic.

-I'm grateful for my pillows. They make it fun to go to bed at night.

-I'm grateful for warm weather in AZ. I don't like scraping ice off my windshield and now I don't have to.

-I'm grateful for ice water. It's my favorite thing to drink.

-I'm grateful I found people in AZ that play soccer. Soccer is good.

-I'm grateful for the band ABBA. It always makes me happy.

I'm grateful for lots more things-but this list is getting long and I don't want to alienate the few readers I do have by waxing too loquacious. 

What's on your list of "Thanks"?

You Have to Eat the Bad to Get the Good

'Member that one post I wrote about lame fortune cookies. 

Well, I got a really good one the other day...finally. Seriously, I don't know how many fortune cookies I had to eat before I got a for real fortune, but this was fully worth the wait. And it follows all the parameters that fortune cookies should. Well, the only parameter, which is that is should include an actual fortune.

You will inherit a large sum of money.

Sweet! I don't know where or when this will happen, but I'm pretty sure I'm thrilled. What do I plan to do with my money, you ask? I'll tell you.

1. Quit my job. Work Schmirk.

2. Find a guy that wants me to be his sugar mama. I can cuz I inherited a large sum of money, remember. I'm not getting any guys off my stellar looks and winning personality so I'll have to snag them with my money.

3. Go to Germany-cuz I've always wanted to. Oh wait...I'm already going there. Okay, I'll upgrade to first class.

4. I'm open to suggestions from here. If you have good ideas for me please share. I've got a large sum of money to spend, you know.

I Found Him!

That's right, folks. I've found the *MAN* of my dreams. Finally!!

I'm not even joking. This guy has won me over with his red hair, unintentional nerdiness, and most importantly, his ability to make me laugh non-stop. 

The saying, "There's a lid for every pot," is true. And I've found my proverbial lid. Actually, I think I wanna be the lid. I'm not certain being compared to a pot is necessarily a good thing. 

Now, if it turns out that this guy is not available, my second choice is Seth Green.

*The stars and capital letters mean you're supposed to click on that word. It takes you to the link that initiated my infatuation.*

I'm so excited! I'm so...Scared!

Good things about waking up early to work out:

1. When you come home from work, you're already finished! Your evening is free for non-work out activities.

2. Saved by the Bell is on for a full two hours on TBS in the mornings! This is something I would never have known if I was not channel surfing while I treadmilled at 6:30am the other day.

3. .... Okay, apparently those are the only two things.

The 80's

Here's the thing. The decade known as 1980 brought forth a myriad of wonderful things; myself included. Other positive things worth mentioning from said decade: Pac-Man, Frogger, Teddy Ruxpin, Karate Kid, a time machine made out of a Delorian, normal Michael Jackson, Cosby Show, Breakfast Club, some lesser known bands like Van Halen and Def Leppard....basically, the list is endless.

However, one iconic highlight of the 80's, that should have stayed in the 80's is the fashion. Cauliflower bangs, mis-matched flourescent leggings, acid wash. Need I say more? No, I do not-but I will. One of the worst, if not the worst, fashion items was (were?) pegged pants. Gross. Not flattering unless you're insanely skinny, and even still-not a good idea. Unfortunately, this trend seems to be returning in the "new" skinny jean. I say "new"-cuz let's be honest, it's not new, it's a recycled trend. I firmly believe that the skinny jean should be avoided by all persons; especially boys. That's right all you high school aged, anorexically skinny 15-18 year old "skaters." Don't wear skinny jeans. Especially ones so skinny you can't even pull them past the bottom of your gluteus maximus and the legs are so tight they cut off circulation to your feet. Yuck.

With that being said, I have found the one exception to skinny jeans. It came in the form of my ridiculously cute niece, Kennedy. She's almost two, and she was rockin' her own pair of skinny jeans the other day, and I gotta say-she looked awesome. Now, her mother is much more fashion savvy than I. It's possible that skinny jeans are, in fact, cool and will only get bigger. However, I think they're lame and I promise you'll never see me wear them.

Tips

Here are some tips on how to be happy:

#1. Don't lie. Ever. Don't even embellish. Pretend you meet someone that you might like. PLEASE avioid the temptation to make yourself look good by stretching the truth. If anything were to ever happen with said person, you'd have to confess which could possibly result in making that person change their mind about the "something" that's happening. Or, you could always try to cover up the lie, which in turn forces you to lie more to cover up that lie, and lie again to cover up the lie that covered up the lie....it only gets worse. Don't do it!

Of course, this applies to life in general; not just potential-significant-other situations. That's just the one that's foremost on my mind for reaons that do not need to be elaborated at present.

#2. Find your nearest local library and read some good books. Books are fun. Read them.

#3. Eat chocolate.

#4. Spend time with family. If you don't like your family, learn to, and then spend time with them.

#5. Don't be dramatic. That's just annoying.

Inappropriate

Question: Is it appropriate to ask a casual acquaintance what their yearly salary is?
Answer: Not only no...but heck no!
Then why, I wonder, have several people asked me that exact question in the past few days? What's with you people? I don't want to tell you what I'm being paid. Leave me alone.

And in the vein of conversations...people need to learn how to have them. I will fully admit that I am not a pro-conversationalist. However, I am capable of asking people questions and carrying things along. People need to learn the art of reciprocation. I ask you a question, you do the same back. It's not that hard! And, if you don't want to do that, it's fine-but don't hover in my vicinity if that's the case. If you don't want to talk, walk away. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with surface conversations feeling like a psychological work-out.

Leaving the Bubble

I now feel like I have officially taken the last step in my 'rite of passage' as I leave the Utah Valley bubble behind.

I had lunch today with three black men. As I look back on my 23 years, I don't think I ever even knew three black men, let alone was with all of them at the same time.

It was somewhere during the "downfall of rap" discussion that I began to realize how much this would never actually happen in Utah. It was a good experience...but I still miss my bubble.

Little Boys

This post is dedicated to my nephew Ammon. The kid isn't even 3 years old yet and he already knows WAY more than I ever will about motorcycles, dirtbikes and any other two-wheeled toy that fits into that category. Seriously, he knows his colors in relation to dirtbikes. For example, green=Kawasaki. We went to get ice cream the other day, and he wanted Kawasaki ice cream (mint chocolate chip).

I love how different little boys are from little girls. What is it about the posession of a Y chromosome that enables them to perfectly imitate any kind of motor, memorize inordinate amounts of sports statistics and build architecturally-sound lego buildings? Honestly, I have tried to do that whole truck sound-but I can't. Little boys don't even have to try-they just do it.

All I have to say, is chalk a point up for nature in its ongoing debate with nuture.

PS-Don't tell me you don't think he's a really cute kid, cuz I won't believe you.

History Lesson

Happy Columbus Day!
I'm expecting that there are two responses to that. The first is those thinking, Hey-I thought Columbus Day was Monday. Well, you're wrong. That's the bank/U.S. Postal Services' attempt to give themselves a three day holiday. The audicity of changing the actual date a historical event happened is something I can't even begin understand. Surprising as it may seem, Columbus did not reach the shores of North America on the second Monday of every October. Weird-I know. But really, it was October 11th, 1492.
The second response, the one I'm aware would come from 80%* of Americans is Huh? That's right people; we actually have a Columbus Day. Why don't you know about it, I wonder? Well, because it's not talked about in schools, unless you work for the government you don't actually get the day off, and because the crazy PC activists want to pretend it didn't happen. Contrary to what they may tell you-it was a GREAT thing. It's one of the many reasons you're actually capable of sitting in a free country right now reading this blog. We shouldn't be embarassed, ashamed or sorry it happened. We should be grateful!
So-just remember when you're busy having a regular day on Oct. 11th. It was a huge day in history. It should be celebrated and revered, not swept under a rug.

*I made this statistic up-but it's probably too low. I dare you to pull a Jay Leno and walk the streets asking people if they know when Columbus day is.

Annoying Girl

I became the person I try to avoid last night.
I was fully exhausted after my fun trip home-and those of you that know me well know what happens when I'm exhausted. I get all sneezy and sniffy.
So, I board the plane and try to sit far away from people that have ears so I won't bug anyone, but I still was surrounded. So, I spend the entire flight sneezing, sniffing and blowing my nose and pretending like it wasn't really that bad and that the people sitting near me couldn't really hear or tell that I was miserable. Of course, we all know they heard me and were annoyed that they had to sit by the obnoxious girl. I know that's how I would have felt.
At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that allergies aren't contagious so it's not like any of them suffered further once we de-planed.

I'm A Dork

I absolutely love the bands ABBA, REO Speedwagon and Chicago. I crochet. I'm afraid of revolving doors.
I'm a dork.

Those of you who have seen Sydney White, will understand this post. For those of you who haven't seen it-what's wrong with you? Go see it. It's funny.

boys should NOT wear shants

That's all.

My Bad

Lesson #1; If you go to Break the Fast, don't say anything bad about what you're eating unless you are certain that whomever made the particular food you're criticizing is not within earshot.
Lesson #2; If you're going to make a fortune cookie-put an actual fortune in it; not some "wise saying." Then, I won't criticize what you made.

Actually, Yes

In case you were wondering, as a matter of fact, yes-my crazy, Polish co-worker has blasted Pavarotti all over the office for the past week.

I'm Feeling Better Now

I caught a 24 hour crush-but I'm over it now. I'm living in a new environment, completely void of any familiar face and I got momentarily caught up in a crush. On a guy with a girlfriend no less. Under normal circumstances the likelihood of me having a crush on this particular guy is small. Nice kid-not my type. The side-effects invovled way too much time on facebook and spending money on a new CD that I didn't need.
On the bright side-it was nice to be reminded of a band I forgot I liked.