Thursday, July 17, 2008

Posers

I think authors must be overweight and unattractive people. I mean, they always make their protagonists handsome/beautiful, funny, smart etc. people, right? So I figure they must be writing about the version of themselves they wish they were. That's what I'd do if I wrote, anyway.

And another thing. Their characters never seem to know how awesome they are. Cuz humility is cool, right? But do you really believe that anyone is that unaware of their attributes? I don't. Believe me, if I were beautiful, charming and witty---I'd know it. And I'd probly make sure other people knew it as well. Most conversations would begin with me saying, "You have two eyes so I'm sure you're well aware that I'm beautiful, but I feel you should also know that I'm witty and charming."

Also, these people always LOVE to exercise like madmen. I don't know how many times I've read about some guy or girl who works out till the pain in their muscles nearly keeps them from functioning...and then we find out they like it?! Yeah, right. The only reason I like to work out is cuz when I'm finished I know that I have a whole other day before I put myself through that torture again.

Speaking of which, my chosen method of torture these days is Pilates which is, frankly, hard as a beast. I'm convinced it's really only meant for small children and Gumbi. Whatever. I've strayed from my point which is that I'm beautiful and charming. Wait-that wasn't it. 

Oh yeah, it's that authors are posers.

14 comments:

Hoggards said...

Your funny. I definitely think that you are beautiful, charming, and witty. Maybe you should start your conversations like that! Serious.

Sue said...

Totally. I've half written something like twelve novels (someday, in approximately 100 years, I'll publish something) (maybe) and they all feature really pretty protagonists.

It's TOTAL wish fulfillment.

And no, you don't have to be married or a mom. It just was a snappier title than "Mormon Women Bloggers." You're added :>

Buffy Dayton said...

Whatever, I have seen you bend and stretch. You are just being modest. I wish I could get my legs to go halfway around my head and back like you do. You are amazing, oh, and when they saw the pinky toe off, I am totally seeing your toe OFF, cause you saw the heck out of it.

Nicoletta said...

You totally need to write a book. Not a novel, but a book of your wiseness and wittiness. It would be about all of these things in life that you observe - fortune cookie retardedness, authors as posers, how to get people to like you, etc. The rest of us see theses things too, but somehow we don't recognize it until you put it so perfectly into words for us. Seriously, think about it.

meg said...

I sure hope you are referring to some of these hilarious blogs of really awesome humble and in shape people who have perfect married lives... its so poserish and hilarious...

Shelley said...

Hear Hear on the exercise thing - that is why I don't do it. Whoops!!

Lisa said...

Interesting theory about why authors write beautiful clever characters.

Do they create characters like that because they wish they were that way, or because they don't think they could sell a book featuring a plain, average character?

Would you want to read a novel with a plain, average character?

meg said...

I was fully going to give you that link in my comment actually- that is so funny! My brother called me a few weeks ago to find out if that was me... I wish I had thought of it- its so funny! And I have a few married friends who happen to have identical blogs to that one and it is so funny- reading them side-by-side is a pants wetter!

Lisa said...

Hi again - thanks for your comment on my blog! I'm gonna quote what you said and respond here, where it makes sense!

Barbaloot said, "I don't think authors have to make their characters plain or average...but at least realistic and believable. You know?"

But realistic and believable IS plain and average... look around! Most people, once the bloom of youth is spent, are not physically beautiful. Most people live average, mundane lives.

And those plain, average people want to forget about their mundane lives by reading fiction. Fiction, by it's very definition, requires the characters and events to be extraordinary. Otherwise, why would we want to read the story?

Barbaloot said...

Lisa makes a good point...and I'm the first to admit that I like reading books to escape or "forget about my mundane life." But still...I'm convinced there's a way to write a character that won't make me roll my eyes in frustration, but is still worth reading about.

Lisa said...

What genre are we talking about here? When I think of beautiful, amazing characters, why does my mind think of Romantic fiction? Maybe because the last book I read with annoying characters in it was of that genre. I will never get those hours back.

Orson Scott Card writes great characters. "Enchantment" is probably my most favorite of all his books. Believable, endearing characters, with talents and flaws galore, and a great story.

Lisa said...

Oooo. I'm reading Villette by Charlotte Bronte (a favorite), and I'm sure you know her heroines are often plain as plain. I love that.

And as for meg's comment, before I started blogging I thought everyone must have perfect husbands because they go on and on about them, and I was worried that I'd just want to complain about mine (despite his amazingness). Now that DO blog I realize the good stuff is just what comes out. It's totally helping me to appreciate him more--and to realize that other bloggers probably don't have perfect husbands either, they're just emphasizing the positive and hopefully strengthening their relationship while they do it.

Barbaloot said...

Thanks to both Lisas for book suggestions. I'll have to check them out. If anyone else has any...shoot 'em over:)

Shelle said...

Okay you are SO hilarious...I clicked on your site from Mormon Mommy bloggers and I am going through your older posts!

I agree with the author thing and being posers...but I was laughing at what you would say if you knew you were beautiful...seriously I'm still laughing!

Great post...