Friday, August 29, 2008

Letters to Stars

Dear Mary-Kate and/or Ashley:
Why go to the trouble of being anorexic if you're just gonna wear ridiculously baggy clothes?

Dear Susan Sarandon:
Just because you're famous doesn't mean you automatically know how the political world should work.

Dear Mark Paul Gosselar:
Will you please, please, PLEASE see that a Saved By The Bell reunion show is filmed? And soon?

Dear Olympic Athletes:
What's with not putting your hand over your heart and singing along to the National Anthem when your country is being honored?

Dear Kid from Boy Meets World:
What ever happened to Jack aka Matt Lawrence? He was totally the hottest guy on your show.

Dear Alicia Silverstone:
As If!

Dear Tom Hanks:
I think it's time you and Meg made another chick flick.

Dear North Star:
Word on the street is you're supposed to be bright and easy to find. Um, could you step it up a bit?

Someone Who's Never Actually Written A Real Fan Letter

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In China I...

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I wanted to just post pictures...not do a slideshow. But my computer is mad at me and so I couldn't figure out how. One day I'm gonna figure out this whole technology thing...

Also, I just re-watched the slideshow, and I had to keep my mouse on it in order to see the captions that I wrote for pictures. So, if you don't see captions, move your mouse around and maybe you will....? Sorry.

And the picture of the Hong Kong temple is not the one I meant to post, but now I'm in a hurry and have to go so you're stuck with it for now.

Friday, August 22, 2008

How Rude!

Don't even try and tell me that you did not immediately think of Stephanie Tanner when you read this blog title. I'll know you're lying. I'm sure you watched Full House as a child. And probly liked it. I bet some of you still watch the reruns that are on all the time.

Okay. I do, too.

Anyway, I know you're all just dying for my China report. What I did and what I saw and how much fun I had and blah blah blah. But you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer. Cuz I wanna talk about airlines and how they're totally rude. Okay? Okay.

I mean, first of all, they force you to show up for your flight, that will no doubt get delayed by 3 hours, 2 hours early. And then, they squish you into these tiny non-seats where even people like myself who don't require leg room still feel folded up like a lunch box. But that's not the meanest thing they do. No sir.

The worst is after the flight when you're tottering down the aisle in your newly acquired hunchback form, convinced you'll never again be able to stand straight, and they herd you past the first class section. That is just plain mean! Those chairs are bigger than my bedroom. And they have cool antennas on them that I'm sure doing something fun. And they have slippers. Slippers! Now, why anyone needs slippers on a plane is beyond me...but I want some!

One day, when I'm all wealthy from the money my fortune cookie said I'll inherit, I'm going to take a trip just so I can fly first-class. I don't even care where I go. I may even just get off the plane and get right back on another to head home. As long as I'm in first-class long enough to enjoy all the awesomeness that is spoiled luxury.

Then, when everyone else has gotten off the plane (first-class people first, as usual) I'll remain in my seat to watch to poor masses shuffle by like lemmings and I'll glory in my comfortableness. Cuz apparently I'm as mean as any airline.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

God Bless The U.S.A.

Seriously-I really like America. I had fun in China and I am glad I went. But China is big. And it's crowded. And loud. And everyone has black hair. That didn't really bug me as much as the other three....but it's still true. The time I got separated from my Chinese sister-in-law it took about 8 years to find her in the crowd of people that look exactly like her. That's right. I was there two weeks, and I spent 8 years of those two weeks looking for her.

And would you believe that after traipsing all over China for two weeks I never once found a wise-saying cookie, let alone a fortune cookie?! Or beef and broccoli? Or orange chicken? What's with that?

That's all you get for my Asianic travels right now. You see, I'm still on Chinese time which means I'm busy hanging out in tomorrow while the rest of you are still stuck in today. I don't want to ruin any surprises or risk some change of future events by telling you what you'll have to wait until we're back on the same wavelengths.

Plus, I just saw a guy walk past with a Panda Express to-go box and I wanna go get me some real Chinese food.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Spending Report

-Last minute round-trip tickets to Hong Kong? My right arm and leg, and 1/2 my left leg.
-Rush fee for a business Visa to China? My first-born child.
-Rush fee for a money order cuz the Visa people didn't want a credit card? My sanity.
-Rush fee on a tourist Visa when China decided they weren't issuing any more business Visas? My soul.
-Rush fee on a NEW money order cuz the Visa people wanted it made out to someone else? A twitch in my left eyelid that I fear may be permanent.
-Getting my Visa less than 24 hours before my flight leaves? Five years off my rapidly decreasing lifespan.
-Going to China to play with family and see the 2008 Summer Olympics? Sure as heck better be priceless or it's curtains for someone!!

Up until this morning, when the FedEx man came with my Visa, I was contemplating smuggling myself into China illegally. At least I wouldn't have felt guilty since I no longer have a soul.

Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get around China on 1/2 a leg....

I'll be back in two weeks. If my absence leaves you destitute, (and really, how could it not?) feel free to do one of those memory post things where you talk about your first memory of me and how awesome I am and such.