Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Installment the First

Thanks and thanks again to everyone who suggested/asked/gave ideas. If you haven't gotten a chance to provide your own ideas, don't fret. You still can. I'll happily take them in as I don't relish the thought of blogger block again. Since the two first questions asked were of vital importance, I think it's a good thing I've decided to respond the comments in the order the appeared in my box.

Before we get to those---did anyone else love Ty Murray as much as I did? I mean, I'm okay with him being voted off last night cuz he never could figure out how to shake those hips, but I think he was just the perfect example of being both masculin and gentlemanly.

Melissa asked: If you were stranded - not an island in the middle of the ocean or anything, let's say you're stranded in the walmart parking lot in New Hampshire perhaps - and the only way to survive was to do some sort of ritualistic dance (that probably involved a lot of hopping and arm flapping) for some unknown reason -other than it would save you, which is the biggy here- would you do it? Keeping in mind that the walmart parking lot of New Hampshire town is probably just as crowded as any other walmart parking lot and therefore your dancing will probably be seen by lots of people (and security cameras.)

Well Melissa, if it were a New Hampshire parking lot, then yes. Heck yes. (I would probly look somewhat like the picture on the left.) You never know; the Gutzman's might find me and graciously take me to Dr. Marvin's vacation home where he would let me borrow his tooth brush and wear his pajamas. However, if it were some parking lot in a small southern town, then I'd probly surreptitiously move into the Wal-Mart where I would attract the attention of the local mysterious, yet strangely attractive, librarian and he would eventually agree to act as father to my illegitimate child.

And then we had Kristina who asked: If your ex-best friend tried to kill you, is it OK to punch him in the face until you break his nose, if your name is something like Mack Dauer?
Oh, it is most definitely okay. Now, if your name is Algernon, Hortencia or something like Frail...then I would advise against physical altercations in general and punching specifically.

BONUS: We have a celebrity question! It comes from John I-don't-know-your-last-name-and-really-don't-care-to AKA I've-never-seen-your-show-but-I'm-pretty-sure-you're-a-tool. Question: How can I ensure my kids will undergo life-long therapy sessions leaving them in massive debt?
Answer: Well John, it's simple. First, prostitute them to the media leaving them to constantly wonder if their worth is based on who they are as a person, or how much money they make per appearance. Second, become involved in an affair when you know PERFECTLY well that cameras are always on you, you will get caught, and everyone will know about it. Best of luck to you.

Stay tuned for upcoming installments!

19 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Apparently, Octomom must attend your classes. She seems to be doing a great job!

rychelle said...

i'm liking the new installments. much more than i like ty murray. his voice makes my ears want to bleed. (i can't speak of his dancing skills, as i've never watched that dancing show)

Nin said...

oh my gosh barb!!! i totally forgot about that cd...ha ha ha ha! honestly, it's not a big deal at all! you just don't even worry about it! see you at the 24th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I think I know who Ty Murray is (Jewel's husband?) and I am pretty sure I know what you mean by "John" (no pun intended) but I'm lost on the other stuff. I blame my ancient brain cells.

Machen family said...

Barbaloot,
If you were an 80's song, which song would you be?

Erin said...

Please let me know when you will be in New Hampshire. I desperately want to be there.

Youngblood4ever said...

Brilliant answers. I now have a freaky peak into the workings of your mind. Honestly, that was kinda fun!

Melissa Bastow said...

After seeing that picture there is no way I can doubt your ability to dance in random parking lots.

Becca said...

I'm looking forward to hearing all about the illegitimate children~and hey just think, you can totally prostitute them to the media! Really it's a win win situation!

Alison said...

So I didn't think anyone was weirder than you , but based off the questions asked, I was obviously wrong :) love you

Sue Q said...

All I want to know is, what is your secret for defying gravity? That's a pretty sweet picture!

T said...

such good advice... especially on the therapy ensuring childhood...

sara said...

So insightful! Those are excellent questions and thrilling answers. I especially like that you've included a picture. As my friend Paris would say, "that's hot".

LaurieJ said...

In a Walmart parking lot? Wouldn't everyone assume you were a regular customer? Step up to Target and that would be much more pressure and make the ? much more serious!

Kazzy said...

LOLed at Kristina's question. Can we get anymore specific than that? Looking forward to reading your installments.

Deb said...

Now you need to answer Kate's question:

Dear Barb,

I keep going on television shows and giving interviews about the affair I didn't have, but no one will believe me! Why won't people leave me and my husband and my eight children and my personal trainer and my bodyguard and my publicist alone and let us just be normal people?

Kate

Jennie said...

Very nice Barb! So glad you're back in action :)

wendy said...

I loved Ty also---this was good Barb, fun answers to those questions.
I'd like to see you do that dance move

Shelley said...

And you thought you didn't have anything to post about!!!