Resolutions Shmesolutions!

Quit looking at me like I'm evil. I said it and I meant it! I think New Year's Resolutions are a bunch of malarky made up by the motivational speakers of the world. How is writing down something I want on a piece of paper the last night of the year any different than doing it during the year? Sure, it's fun to look at a list and see...
-I will wear make-up everytime I leave the house.
...but I'm not gonna be any more successful than I was the last time I said I'd do that unless I take the time to figure out HOW I'll do it, WHAT I need to do to stick to it, and maybe, a REWARD, for being good.

Herein lay (or is it lie?) my problems.
1st: I don't know how to do make-up. I suppose I could go to the Mac counter and have the guy that talks funny or the girl with crazy hair, neither of whom I'd really like to trust, "teach" me what looks best on my face.
2nd: I guess I could ask my roommate to help me make sure I follow through. But then again, there was that one time she said, "You're not allowed to look better than me when we go hang out." Yeah-that'll be a real motivator.
3rd: A reward? The only thing I can think of is that I'll use up all my make-up and have to go buy more. And I hate spending money-so that's no reward.

And there you have it. I've successfully sabotaged my New Year's Resolution before it's even started. And I've changed my mind; it's not malarky, but a conspiracy. The motivational speakers know you'll fail, and you'll have to keep coming back to figure out what you're doing wrong, which in turn keeps them in business. Jerks.

For the record, I've never paid to go see a motivational speaker, but I know they're not out there talking for free so somebody's gotta be givin' them something. Right?