I Was Fine Until Just Now

It's been over 48 hours since my cell-phone was "misplaced." I'd like to believe it was stolen and mistreated by one of the many children that recently spent Saturday at the home of my parents. But...let's be honest. It probly just fell out of my pocket and is only about 3 feet away from me, but since it's not in plain sight, how would I know?! Since I'm ridiculously OCD and only have ONE place for all my possessions-I don't even have a place to look for the dang contraption.

Anyway, I didn't really care until JUST now. You'd think I'd be worried about all the calls I'm not getting from my non-existent boyfriend. But really-it's no big deal. He can just leave a message.

Nope. The reason I'm finally bugged, is cuz my favorite made-for-TV movie is on and I can't text my old roommate or my funny cousin to tell them and I KNOW they'd love it! It's Lucky 7. With Kimberly Williams-Paisley and Patrick Dempsey. And for the record, I fully liked Patrick before he got annoyingly famous from that lame-o TV show. Way before. Like, Can't Buy Me Love before. And PS-Brad Paisly is way better than Patrick.

If you haven't seen Lucky 7---turn on your local Lifetime channel, cuz odds are they will be showing it lots for the next couple days. That's how they roll.

Un-Traditions

Becky has tagged me to write six random things about myself. But I think I did a blog similar to that a few months ago... and since I cheat, er change, the tags I do to what I feel like writing about, I'll just write six un-traditions my family has for Christmas.

1. Somehow, it is ALWAYS my mom's turn to say Family Prayer on Christmas morning. When you've got 4 little kids (or 4 big kids) excited to go see what Santa left them, there's nothing more agonizing than to have the most loquacious person in the house called on to pray.
2. As previously mentioned, my dad was an OB/GYN. He also was magically on call every Christmas of my growing up life. So, in addition to the lovely prayers my mother would offer, we had to wait until 9:30-10:00ish before Dad was home to start opening presents. By that time, we could hear the kids out in the neighborhood playing with their new toys. Unfair I tell you. And inevitably, half-way through the festivities, the phone would ring calling Dad away for another hour or two to deliver a Christmas baby, which left us kids sitting forlornly in the living room staring at our unopened gifts.
*Don't think for a second, though, that we would ever do present without our parents. We were anxious, but we had hearts, too.*
3. One year, it was just myself and one other brother home for Christmas. We waited a long time for Dad to come home, and started watching the movie Con Air. Then, Dad got home-but the movie wasn't over. So we had to finish. And by the time it ended, Dad was called away again so we waited a couple more hours to start gifts! But for the next few years, Joey and I would watch that movie together around Christmas time.
4. My parents always gave us Christmas Eve jammies. And the past few years they keep saying we're too old for such things. And the past few years I get angry that they say that. And they keep getting jammies. I love my Christmas jammies. Here's a picture of two of my brothers in Chinese jammies (another brother and his wife live there and my mom had him get them) from two years ago. Yes, the one on the right does have pants on. Yes, that is a normal pose for the both of them. And no, I still am not too old for Christmas jammies.
5. Instead of turkey for Christmas dinner, we have flank steak. Less mess and less time involved, plus it's one of my favorite foods. It's a win-win!
6. One of my dad's favorite Christmas songs is "Thistlehair the Christmas Bear," by Alabama. It's my mom's least favorite song. So every year, the day after Thanksgiving, that's the first song he puts on as we begin decorating. My mom grouses (but is a good sport) and we laugh. I think it's safe to say that "Thistlehair" has a special place in all our hearts.

So there you go. My un-traditions. I don't think it would be a real Christmas without them. I won't tag six people, cuz I know it's a busy time of year. But if anyone else does this, be it with traditions, random quirks, favorite Christmas foods....I'd love to know so I can read about them.

Merry Christmas!!!

I Have Six Months Left To Live.

Maybe. I mean, probly I have more than that. But you never know. I especially don't know. Because I've never been to the doctor. Ever.

My dad was/is a doctor; he retired a few years ago. So, whenever I had a shot or a physical that was needed, my dad just signed the form. I remember when we had scoliosis checks in jr. high. He signed that form, too. Said he could tell I was fine.

In case you were wondering, my dad was an OB/GYN... And a darn good one.

But, he's also the most anti-hypochondriac you'll ever meet. And it's passed on to our family. Basically, the cure for everything that's not a broken bone is pepto bismol. What? You've had a headache for five days? Take some pepto bismol. Your knee's been hurting since you got knocked over in the soccer game? Take some pepto bismol. He even used to have a bag of those pink "candies" in his car. Maybe you don't believe me...but I remember when my sister-in-law had just had her baby and was complaining of stomach pain. She asked my dad for advice and was told to take...that's right, pepto. Later that night she was headed to the emergency room for an appendectomy.

So, I mean really, what if I have some crazy disease? I'll never know! But at least I never had to go to the doctor's, or wait for hours in a waiting room. Right?

And also, in case you were wondering, I really never have been sick enough to warrant a doctor's visit, never broken a bone, never even sprained anything. So I think I'm good for now.

Apparently I Should Start Dying My Hair Blonde

Cuz guess what? I was nominated as one of the top five blogs on Mormon Mommy Blogs and I didn't even realize it!! I had a few people make comments to me about it and just figured they were talking about the award I had gotten from awesome Rychelle. Who knew I was so brilliant?

Anyway--go there. Go there now. And vote for me. Please. Unless you want to vote for someone else which I would fully understand. I mean, if I lose, it's possible that a piece of my heart will shrivel up and die...but whatever. It's your call.

And also, No-it is not ironic that I'm up for winning something at a blog featuring Mormon Mothers. I fit one of the two title qualifications. Okay? Okay.

Awards and Syndromes

So, Rychelle is awesome and gave me an award! I thought for a minute it was gonna be a bowling alley---but I guess they couldn't figure out how they were going to ship that to my house.

I believe I am supposed to post a picture of said award on my blog...but since I'm brilliant and all, I have ZERO idea how to do so. But if you click on Rychelle's name, you can see a picture there.

As part of my acceptance, I'm supposed to list five things I love. But since I won an award I'm taking liberties and listing five disorders instead.
1. OJS: Over-reactive Jerk Syndrome. When a guy pulls out in front of you and makes you slam on your brakes. Then, to prove he (or, to be fair, she) did nothing wrong...he floors the brakes and takes off as fast as possible so it looks likes there's lots of space between the two cars.
2. TVMS: TV Movie Syndrome. When a movie you own is on TV and you decide to watch it. Despite the fact that you own it, and could put it in the VCR, DVD, or Beta machine and save watching commercials every 15 minutes. It's just not as fun that way...?
3. SLS: Slant-leg Syndrome. Only suffered by short people. When you lose your napkin at dinner, because your legs are too short to set your feet flat on the ground and so your napkin slides off your legs, requiring you to duck under the table less-than-gracefully to retrieve it.
4. PSS: Pencil-skirt Syndrome. Only suffered by girls...I hope. Trying to get into any car that is over a foot off the ground necessitating you either jump in (which I've tried and it's impossible), or hike up your skirt in order to enter the vehicle.
5. MAD: Monday Affective Disorder. Kind of like Seasonal Affective Disorder...but just for Mondays. When you wake up Monday morning and throw your alarm clock against the wall cuz you're mad (no pun intended) that today's not the day you have 1:00 church.

Now, if I knew how to post the pretty blog award to pass on to others, I would. But since I don't-here's who I would pass it on to if I could:
1. Buffy-cuz she's awesome and I'm her kids' favorite aunt. And seriously, go look at the post she has now before she updates cuz it's hilarious. Seriously.
2-6. Becky, Lisa, Sue Q, Becka, and Melissa because they are all legit followers of my blog which makes my head swell a tiny bit.

For That Special Someone

As much as I love the Christmas Season---it can also be slightly stress inducing. There is always at least one person for whom I simply cannot find the perfect gift. Knowing that there are those of you out there that share my frustration-I am going to show you my newest find. Really, I can't imagine that there won't be one person that won't want this.







Seriously---I would love the meet the person that thought lice should be made into a stuffed animal.

Dear Peanut Butter and Chocolate~

We need to talk. I really don't know how to say this...but I think it's time that you and I separate. Don't look so shocked. You had to have known this was coming.

Listen, I think you're really great. And you're gonna make some lucky girl really, REALLY happy. I'm just not that girl.

Really, we just need a clean break. You have until tomorrow evening to get your stuff out of my house...and then it's over. And I know we talked about spending the Christmas Season together, but I don't think that's a good idea. If you feel the need to stop by for a little bit on Christmas Day, that's okay---but then you have to leave again.

Please don't make this harder than it has to be.

-Barbaloot

P.S. It's not me. It's you.

MOS

Well, some of you thought that MOS was perhaps the cure, or at least related, to TDS. Sadly, this is not the case. Trust me, if I had the cure for TDS I would be doing some serious marketing for it. And I'd give some proceeds to Annie so she can go to Disney World, since I don't think I'll make it to her yard sale today. And I'd give some to Buffy to go to Disney World if she doesn't win her KOSY competition.

Anyway, MOS is Missing Out Syndrome. It's what happens when you feel depressed/bummed/sad/despondent cuz people you know are having fun and they're having it without you. This syndrome is frequently manifested in my family. Like my brothers that thought it would be a good idea to become smart at universities outside of Utah. Don't be mad at those of us who remained here and get to hang out. You're the ones who left. Their MOS is manifested by frequent phone calls, which always magically come during family dinner or games (which, ironically, my parents always answer even though they say not to answer the phones during family time), random one-line emails and conversations that involve them asking all sort of random information that they normally would never care to get from their younger sister.

But it's okay, brothers. I'm not mocking. Well, not much. I got MOS back when I was in AZ. And you know what I did? I moved home. That's the cure. Come back.

If you're not sure if you've ever experienced MOS, think of how you feel after I tell you that Edward Cullen personally invited me to go see Twilight with him. It's true. He sent me an email to a private party and asked ME to come. At first I was confused as to how he got my email address. Then I remembered that he's a phenomenally rich vampire and technology limits mean nothing to him. So, if you're feeling a little left out that you didn't get a personal email...that's MOS.

hey Hey HEY! What is going on here?!

Okay-so I know I promised that MOS would be the next post. But you're just gonna have to wait for a minute cuz I just found out something SO important!!!

Dennis Haskins is speaking at the opening of Argosy University in SLC this Friday! If you don't have an unadulterated love for all things Saved By The Bell and an uncanny ability to remember every name of every person who ever appeared on the show (guest stars included), then I should tell you that Dennis Haskins is the one and only Mr. Belding. And he's coming to MY state! To speak at Argosy University. Which, incidentally, I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it'll be a good thing since Utah doesn't have very many places of higher learning.

Do you think I should go to the event and get my picture taken with Dennis? And maybe ask him when there's gonna be a Saved by the Bell reunion?!

The Doctor Is In

There was this one day that I thought about being a counselor. I feel that that, combined with my several years of experience as a human being, has more than qualified me to identify and diagnose syndromes. The topic of today's blog is the Three Day Syndrome.

TDS was discovered by myself over a period of several years (which some might call senior year of high school through senior year of college) of intensive field study. Field study may also be called socializing, dating, interacting, gossiping...you get the drift.

Essentially, TDS begins with a boy asking a girl on a date. Said date has been preluded by flirting and hanging out of the casual variety. The date is fun. Within the next 48 hours, the boy who did the asking on the date has contacted the girl, spontaneously, to see her again. And soon. Sometimes it's a movie, or his sporting event, a jaunt in the park....the options are endless. Again, fun is had. The girl is effectively hooked. Then the third day hits. The boy wakes up remembers he's a dork and ignores the girl. When she calls, he says he "has a thing." Oh please. Be a man and say you have a date, or aren't interested. A thing? Girls know this is code for hanging out with a different girl.

And that's it. For the boy. Three days are up and he's finished. The girl, however, is left to wonder what she did wrong, try and fix it, then realize there's no use and move on in hope that the next boy can count past three.

Tune in next time for MOS.

A Veritable Smorgasbord

Random things.

The other day, my old roommate was telling me (on gmail chat)how she did her hair for Crazy Hair Day at school. She said she dyed it lots of colors and put ponies in her hair. And I'm thinking, ponies? How did she put ponies in her hair? So I asked, and she just said she put them on top. What? I was picturing maybe some pony clips, or that she twisted it weird... so I drew a picture of that on the computer. (Some people go to work or take care of their families...I draw computer pictures.)
Then she sent me a picture. Pony TAILS. Got it. Makes more sense, no?

Alyson, who takes awesomely awesome pictures, wanted to see a picture of my 'I Love Primary' pillow-case. So this picture is for her. It's not the best picture, but you get the idea. Right? I've had the thing since I was a small child and love it. That's me with my cool cousin, Becky. She's cool cuz she has the same pillow-case. And for other reasons. (And also, if you've ever seen On Our Own, you may recognize the house. Totally "Uncle Jack's" house.)One of my friends used to make fun of me for this pillow-case...but I think it was cuz he was jealous. So I made him one cuz that's how awesome I am.

One of my brothers told me some people might think I'm a hard-core environmentalist cuz of my blog name. But really, it's just one of the 87 nicknames I've been saddled with in life. My nephew heard his dad call me that and now that's what he always calls me. And I love it. And also, when you ask him who his favorite aunt is, he says "Barbaloot Suit," so clearly he loves me, too. I think it's cuz I invented The Hunchback Chasing The Chicken game. *Also, if you're my sister-in-law and the mother of said nephew and you don't want his picture on my blog---tell me, and it'll come off.*


Speaking of brothers; yes, to all you doubters. I really do have 11 older brothers. And zero sisters. Here is a picture from the wedding of the last single one. (I'm the one in the skirt with the long hair.) Which means, unfortunately Rychelle, that none are available. My parents have a large wall with a picture of each boy and his pretty bride on their wedding day. It's glaringly off-balance as there is clearly an empty spot where the 12th picture is meant to be placed. I get it. Why don't you just put a neon sign there that says "Get movin!" And in answer to your question, T, no. No prospects right now. But Sue Q---you said in the comments that you were making my wedding dress and where I come from that's legally binding so don't try and back out cuz I will hold you to it.

This was supposed to be a short post...but it ended up kinda long-ish. Sorry.

ABC: All About Me

Since, you know, my other posts usually focus on other people....
Sue Q tagged me, so here goes.

A- Attached or Single?
Well-I'm very attached to my new brown boots. Does that count?

B- Best Friend?
Paris Hilton is, like, totally my new BFF. It's SO cool. We spend tons of time talking about important things like which is better: the old NKOTB or the new?
Technically, I'm not, like, supposed to say anything till the season finale airs...so, like, keep my secret. K?

C- Cake or Pie?
I may be an amazing pie maker, but I don't like to eat it. I like yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Yum.

D- Day of Choice?
Weekends are always great. Oh, and Tuesday cuz that's Biggest Loser night.

E- Essential Items?
My 'I Love Primary' pillowcase. It's the best!

F- Favorite Color?
Chartreuse. Okay, I don't really know what color that is...but it's one of my favorite ones in the color song that the German Goose sings. That and Ultramarine.

G- Gummy Bears or Worms?
I choose not to waste calories on gummi-type food.

H- Hometown?
Orem, UT. I lived in Price (the place where you stop on the way to Lake Powell for McDonald's)-but since I don't even know how to find my house down there anymore it doesn't register.

I- Favorite Indulgence?
Usually Reese's mini PB cups. But right now I'm pretty addicted to Jack Links jerky. SO good.

J- January or July?
July for sure. I like the heat.

K- Kids?
Negative

L- Life isn't complete without?
Family, laughter, music and re-runs of Saved by the Bell.

M- Marriage date?
How about....09/09/09. That would be cool, right?

N- Number of brothers and sisters?
11 older brothers.
No, I'm not lying.

O- Oranges or Apples?
If it's Pink Lady, then for sure apples. Otherwise, oranges.

P- Phobias and Fears?
Getting abducted in my car. And also, worms. In 8th grade I paid a kid to dissect my worm for me.

Q - Quiet time, what do you like to do?
Read, email, blog, watch TV.... wow, I'm one interesting girl!

R- Reason to smile?
This video. Cracks me up everytime.

S- Season of choice?
I like the beginning and end of summer. Fun activities, perfect weather, pretty scenery, all that stuff.

T- Ticklish?
Kinda. But not the kind where guys grab your sides. That just bugs and makes me want to punch them in the teeth.

U- Unknown fact about me?
I wanna learn how to long-board.

V- Vegetable?
Potatoes, corn and carrots.

W- Worst Habit?
I don't pay very good attention when people introduce themselves to me. So I never remember peoples' names. Ever. It's really bad. One time I was talking to this guy at the bus stop and after a few minutes I was like, "Hey, my name is Barb." To which he replies, "I know. We met last night." Sweet. And also, he didn't tell me his name right then even though I thought it was pretty clear I didn't know it. It was about two more weeks until I learned it.

X-ray or Ultrasound?
Ooh-I want an x-ray of my cankle to see if there's anything fishy going on in there.

Y- Your favorite food?
Steak and chocolate covered strawberries.

Z- Zodiac Sign? Taurus. And you know, everyone says they don't even pay attention to that stuff...but I wonder. I mean, I'll fully admit that I'll read mine every once in awhile. And then I'll cry at night when it doesn't come true. Or laugh. Either one.

The End. All you ever needed to know about me---and a few things extra!

Confessions

But first, a scary story! I actually posted the confession part of this earlier, then I remembered this scary story and wanted to jump on the bandwagon of everyone sharing those today. So, here goes:

My freshman year of college I lived at home, and one night was headed over to my friend, Liz's, apartment. I was taking my dad's car, and when I went out to the garage the door was open. This is weird cuz my mother is more OCD than I am and insists that the door is ALWAYS kept closed. So, I got a little freaked and started imagining guys waiting in the cars to get me. Okay-I know. I was 19. But still. That's my worst nightmare ever; being grabbed while I'm driving. And by that I mean I've literally had nightmares about it.
So anyway, I go back inside and make my mom come out to the garage with me to check for scary guys. We determine there's no one there---and I head out. A few hours later, my dad called asking if his checkbook was in his car to which I say, "negative." He can't find it. Then, my mom looks in her car and it's clear someone was in there looking through the glove compartment and such. At which point we realize, someone really HAD been in the garage when I went out there and ran away when I went back inside. They'd managed to get my dad's checkbook which he left in his car (don't do stuff like that), but not my mom's. How freaky is that?!?!
Moral of the story-keep the garage closed. And also, you're never too old to have your mom check for scary guys trying to get you.

Now, on to the confessions.

-I used my 4 year old niece as an excuse for seeing High School Musical 3. I probly would have seen it no matter what, but I felt a little less dorky going in with her and her mom. And also, I LOVED the movie.

-I share books with my 13 year old nephew. Either he's too grown up or I'm too immature...

-I broke out my Backstreet Boys CD from high school the other day and fully rocked out. Seriously, if you saw a crazy girl at a stop light recently, it may have been me. And if wasn't me, I'd bet that girl was listening to some boy band, too.

-In 9th grade my English class watched West Side Story and I cried at the end. But, I claimed it was the girl in front of me who cried.

-I get a kick out of seeing how many days I can go without washing my hair without it being too disgusting. That doesn't mean I don't shower. Gross. Why would you think that? Anyway, one time I went six days without touching it with shampoo. (Or lotion.)

-I bought some of these yesterday. It was one of those stupid compulsive purchases of the items they put on display at the front of stores. I'm such a sucker. And those things are naughty!

-I get irritated when people use "at" to end their sentences. I even had to re-phrase how I put that question so I didn't do it.

-Tuesday was National Chocolate Day and I did nothing to celebrate. I'm so ashamed.

-If a guy asks me out and I don't wanna go, I tell him I can't because my family is in town. Technically, that's true. Technically, my family is always in town. Whatever.

Okay, now it's your turn to confess. If it's something really awful, like you own an Enrique CD, feel free to post as anonymous.

Weirdos

I've been tagged by both Buffy and Camille to do the fourth picture in my fourth album post. But-I didn't like the fourth picture as much as I liked the second. So I'm cheating.

The reason I like this picture so much is cuz I think it's a pretty good display of the personalities in my family. On the left are the two nice, normal people who aren't related 'cept by marriage. Then there's the rest of us that see a camera or hear the words "1-2-3" and think we're supposed to do some sort of contortions with our face, body or both. And this picture is actually pretty tame compared to some we've managed to take in the past.

Oh, and frisbee golf, or frolf if you will, is pretty fun. Minus the fact that I'm horrendously awful at it.

And I tag Margo cuz she hasn't commented on my blog for 8 years and so I'm mad at her. But only fake mad.

I Dream in Color, But I Think in Black and White

I think that's backwards...

I realized this the other day when my dad was telling me a story about when he was a little boy and in my mind, I saw the action as if it were black and white. I'm assuming that this is because the pictures I've seen of my parents as children are in black and white. That's not because their families were trying to be artsy and cool...it's cuz color hadn't been invented yet. And I don't just mean in pictures. I mean, they literally lived in black and white.

Okay, that's not true. But it would be funny if it were. Anyway, I take the pictures I've seen of them and put them into the scenarios they describe. But I don't bring color into it.

Is that weird? Does anyone else do that? I asked my dad if he did it with regards to his parents and he just laughed at me.

Don't You Hate it When...

...your friends don't appreciate your new sense of fashion?

Gifs at Giftube.com Poor goat was just trying something new.

Even worse, don't you hate it when your sense of fashion is awful and your friends don't bother to tell you?! They just take pictures of you looking foolish so you can't escape your stupidity in the future.

Okay, so Shelle over at Blokthoughtsnmore is doing a competition. And the winner at the end of the month gets one of those little ipod things. And since I really want one, but I'm afraid of technology and spending money, this is how I'm gonna get one! But in order for me to get it, you have to vote for me. So, if you think this is funny, then go here and vote for me in the comments. Or, if you think it's lame and that no one else will vote for me, go give me a pity vote. I'm not above those. And if I win-I promise I won't do something totally lame like try and match my new ipod with my socks or something.

I've Never Voted for a Reality Contestant...

...and never been more tempted to than I was last night.

As a general rule, I avoid Dancing with the Stars because I absolutely abhor Bruno Tonioli. His ridiculously pretentious accent grates on my ears and his attempts at being witty and simultaneously shocking make me cringe. And also, Carrie Anne Inaba is just as bad. Saying mean things while acting nice is worse than just being plain mean. No one is fooled by your act.

That being said, I have watched a little bit this season. And mostly because of Rocco. I'm pretty sure that if he plays guitar that he is my dream man. I think he is so cute and funny. Granted, he's not the best dancer I've ever seen, but does he really deserve to get kicked off before Cloris? Truly? Her very presence is like a black hole that sucks out all possibilities of intelligent conversation.

So, I'm still not voting. But if I did, I'd fully vote for Rocco. And if he does get kicked off tonight, then I will only be tuning in on the parts where Cody Linley performs. He's almost as cute as Rocco...but he needs to be 10 years older.

Quirkiness

Buffaluffagus tagged me. Cuz she thinks I'm quirky---but she is wrong. I'm just a Plane Jane. But anyway...here are six quirky facts about me.

1. Lately I have this thing where I don't like my dreams. So, in order to avoid them I stay up until I can hardly walk straight and then go to bed. I'm usually so tired that I don't remember any dreams I had. That would probly explain why I'm writing this at nearly 1 AM...

2. I hate Halloween. I think it's the worst holiday ever---and a horrible excuse for organized begging. I'm hoping that when I have kids I'll somehow be able to raise them without them realizing it exists.

3. I argue with myself on a frequent basis. Then I get mad at myself for arguing with myself and then tell myself to shut up. Then I tell myself to be nice to myself and also that I shouldn't talk to myself so often.... it's a vicious cycle.

4. I can't listen to the radio or watch TV with the volume on an odd number. It drives me crazy. Except for intervals of 5---which is nice cuz I hate the number 6 or any number that contains it. So basically, even numbers and 5, 15, 20 25....I don't like the number ten, either. Or 30. And I could live without the number 70...but no one ever turns the volume up that high. Right?

5. I don't think the color pink has any place in athletics. Especially pink soccer balls. I just feel like there's something superficial about it.

6. When I lived in Arizona it was really hot at night and so I slept on top of the covers. Now, I'm all used to that and never sleep under the covers anymore. But hey---I never have to make my bed now!

See, I told you---Plane Jane.

I tag Mishelley and return the favor to Trisha.

Lady Catherine de Bourg

So, Lady Catherine de Bourg thinks quite highly of herself---there's no doubt about that. In one scene she says, "If I Had Ever Learned I Should Have Been A Great Proficient." I don't know if there's another phrase that bugs me more than that. You mean, if you had ever had lessons and put in the time and effort and money it takes to become a great musician, you would have been one? Well, duh.

And do you know, if I had taken swimming lessons my whole life, and paid for great coaches and trainers and such, I would have been an amazing swimmer! I mean, I probly could have beaten Michael Phelps.

Ooh, and also, if I had gone to art school and learned all the different techniques and styles, and had access to the best materials, I'd be a phenomenal artist.

I mean really---of course you would have been good if "you had ever learned." My 11th grade Humanities teacher was talking about ballet one day in class when she makes some sort of comment about how she would have been an awesome ballerina if she hadn't quit at a young age. To which I responded, "Well sure. And if I hadn't stopped lessons at Mrs. Pinato's studio when I was 7, I'd probly be a prima ballerina in the American Ballet Company right now."

Yeah...apparently she didn't appreciate my style of sarcasm. I suppose that's understandable since I was blatantly mocking her and that sort of thing is frowned upon by teachers. Especially ones that could have been ballerinas. Needless to say, she was pleased as punch when I walked into her class my 12th grade year for English. But I mean, if I would have just taken the GED I probly wouldn't have had to take her English class...

7 Is My Favorite Number

I've been double tagged--so here it comes.

7 THINGS ABOUT ME

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex
1. Makes me laugh
2. Genuine
3. Thoughtful
4. Athletic
5. Ridiculously good looking (shut up---I am NOT shallow)
6. Red hair
7. Doesn't hurt if he plays guitar

7 of my Favorite Foods
1. Steak
2. Chocolate covered strawberries
3. Red Potatoes
4. Swiss Cheese
5. White Airheads
6. Hershey's kisses----just plain chocolate ones. No nuts---those are yuck.
7. Mama's wheat bread

7 Things I Can Not Do
1. Sing
2. Flirt
3. Curl my hair
4. Use an eyelash curler
5. Scrapbook
6. Use multiple exclamation marks or silly acronyms
7. Basically---I can not behave like a normal girl

7 Celebrity's I Admire
1. Paris Hilton. How amazing is it that she looked hot in her mug-shot?
2. Jessica Simpson. Cuz saving herself for marriage and then turning into a tramp right after is awesome, right?
3. Oprah. I only wish I could be that self-absorbed/self-promoting.
4. Brad Pitt. Way to leave your wife for another woman but make yourself look good by becoming all "Humanitarian" right after. Seriously, mad props to you.
5. George Clooney. Very impressive that you've chosen to remain a non-celibate bachelor to capitalize on your status as a heart-throb. I'm sure you'll find lasting fulfillment as a result of that.
6. Lindsay Lohan. I just think it's great that the little girls who love seeing you in Parent Trap now have such a wonderful role-model.
7. Cloris Leachman. Nice that you have aged gracefully by going on a reality TV show and acting like a child and dropping F-bombs all over the place.

7 Things I Say Most Often
1. For the love
2. I know, right?
3. Oh hey.
4. Oh, honestly.
5. Girl, I will cut you. Okay---I don't really say that, but Bon Qui Qui does and I kind of want to be her.
6. It's hot as a beast!
7. Right. About that.

7 Things I Can Do
1. Make killer apple pie
2. Remember dates like it's nobody's business
3. Play "When the Saints Go Marching In" on the harmonica
4. A spot on impersonation of Madam Mim
5. Destroy people's study habits---just ask my old roommates. I'm a pro.
6. Keep secrets
7. Find ridiculously awesome videos on youtube.

7 Things That I Plan To Do Before I Die
1. Go Parasailing. Okay-that was Trisha's answer, but I want to, too so I'm copying.
2. Play Somewhere Over the Rainbow on guitar. The Eva Cassidy version.
3. Run a marathon
4. Figure out what the heck happened to my iphoto stuff. Stupid computers.
5. Find a job
6. Eat lots of steak
7. Perfect an Australian accent

I tag whoever wants to do this---or anyone who answers to the name of Buffy.

I Want The Sidekick

Not that phone thing---I have no need for such frivolities. I have no clue how to use such frivolities.

No, what I mean is I want the sidekick in the movies. He's always my favorite character: sometimes it's because he's the funny one that makes the movie worth watching, and sometimes it's because he's the one supporting the main character-making him become the awesome person he can be. The proverbial backbone, if you will.

For example, Tommy in Invincible. Or, Matthew Fox's character in We Are Marshall. Plus, he's a little bit of a red-head in that movie and what you may not know about me is that I'm a sucker for red-heads.

Which brings me to my next sidekick: Lyle/Napster on Italian Job. You can tell me you don't want to hang out with a guy as hilarious as that--but I won't believe you.
"You'll never shut down the real Napster."

Another favorite sidekick is Lenny from That Thing You Do.
"Where was I? Oh...playing songs on my guitar."

And speaking of songs on guitars---Kevin Jonas. People (and by that I mean teenaged girls) say that Joe is the cute one, but they're fully wrong.

Last, I would be remiss if I failed to mention the sidekick that started it all. He's tough as anything but loyal, too. "I say, that what you say, is what I say." That's right-Spot Conlin from Newsies. In honor of him, I found the following video on youtube. I don't know what's worse: the fact that someone had time to make the video, or the fact that the random searches I do led me to this. I tried to post it, but I still don't know how....so just click on the link and enjoy!

I Think it's Permanent

I have a cankle.

But just one. And I don't like it.

It all started a few months back when I rolled my ankle during soccer---and it swelled (swolled?) up like a big balloon. Well, it went back down to the size of a smaller balloon, and now that's how it remains. I mean, we're talking about six months ago. Why's it still big? Why do my legs have to be uneven now? It looks funny.

So today, I was playing soccer again, and I got kicked on the other side of my ankle. So, now my already-bigger-than-the-normal-size-ankle, is bigger. And I bet it's permanent, too. Dang soccer. If I didn't think it was the best sport ever in the whole world, I'd hate it.

So, does anybody know how to un-swell ankles? Or, if you have general un-swelling advice I supposed I could apply it to other areas of my body that may not have been injured but are larger than I would prefer.

Drink With Me, To Days Gone By

No-I don't actually want you to drink with me. Unless you're wanting to drink Stephen's Hot Chocolate cuz that stuff is tasty!

I went and saw Les Mis at Tuacahn recently and it was amazing. While they sang "Drink With Me" I started thinking, reminiscing if you will, about the past. Whenever I get asked the question "what superpower would I want if I could have one"(oddly enough it's a common question) rather than wish for flight or mind-reading, I wish for the ability to control time. Mostly I think this would be really handy when I have to wake up early in the morning. I could freeze time, sleep as long as I wanted, and then get up.

Also, it'd be nice to fast forward through awkward blind dates.

But, would I ever use the rewind option? I mean, granted it'd be nice to go back in time and avoid stupid mistakes, or remind yourself that you really don't need to eat a ton of junk food, or drive home a different way so you don't get in that accident. Right? But then again, you'd have to re-live all the other stuff, too. (You can't just fast forward back to where you were: my game, my rules.)

Would being able to go back, knowing what you know now, and hang out with that one guy, or avoid going to that certain party, or never watch the "Nanny Diaries" cuz it was the stupidest movie ever, be worth having to re-write your papers, re-take your final exams or re-live other painful moments? Or is it better to just learn from your experiences, remember the good times and not wish for a repeat?

If you had a chance to go back, would you?

Blind Dates = Not Happenin'

Guy I Have A Crush On and Hope Will Ask Me Out: "Hey Barbaloot, watcha doing on Friday night?"
Me: "Oh, no set plans. Why?"
Guy I Have A Crush On and Hope Will Ask Me Out: "My friend has an extra ticket to the opera and needs a date. Will you go with him?"
...Backed myself right into that corner didn't I?

Well-Intentioned Acquaintance: "I have a friend I want you to set you up with. I think you'd be good together."
Me: "Oh? Why's that?"
Well-Intentioned Acquaintance: "Well, you're both single."
...Word to the wise---similar dating status does not necessarily lead to compatibility.

Brother: "Hey, a lady that I know but you don't saw you for .2 seconds yesterday in your work-out clothes and wants to set you up with her friend's son that she doesn't really know." (I may have edited that one a little-but the facts are all there.)
Me: "Well, I can't begin to think of one reason for not going on that date." (Are you catchin' my sarcasm here, cuz I'm layin' it on pretty thick.)
...For the record, you should probly know both people that you're trying to set up. And fairly well.

Unspecified Parent: "Hey, favorite daughter. One of my work associates has a son that's about to travel cross-country to attend medical school. I'd like you to go out with him"
Me: "Honored Parent...I'd rather not."
...Offspring of fellow workers do not necessarily a match in heaven make.

I can count on one finger the amount of blind dates that have resulted in success. Props to Nicole and Tristan!

My other unspecified parent insists that being set up on a blind date is a compliment. While this may (heavy emphasis on "may") be true when you're 19-21ish, I'm of the opinion that when you're....well, NOT 19-21ish, it's less of a compliment and more along the lines of "I-need-to-find-someone-that's-not-too-young-for-the-guy-who-wants-me-to-set-him-up."

In conclusion, while I'm sure people have the best of intentions when they want to set you up, we all know where the road paved with good intentions will take us.

I Will Not Watch 90210

I Will Not Watch 90210
I Will Not Watch 90210

Picture me writing that out on a chalkboard over and over and over.

Here's the thing: I will freely admit that I enjoy TV and the mindless escape that it sometimes affords. I am fascinated by reality TV and the stupid things people will do knowing that the whole world will likely see them. I LOVE the Disney channel. It's cheesy and silly and sometimes too ridiculous even for me-but it cracks me up, nonetheless. And I enjoy the WB on occasion. Back in the day I was a hardcore "Buffy" fan, I definitely had my "Gilmore Girls" era and I still have a little bit of a crush on Tom Welling/Clark Kent from "Smallville." (But please do not get me started on the stupidness that was "Dawson's Creek" and '"Felicity"! Yuck.)

But I personally think the newest "idea" for the next generation of 90210 is disgusting. The original "90210" was insanely popular and pushed the envelope for TV back then. (If only that type of stuff were still pushing the envelope instead of being the norm these days.) The new "90210" looks like it will carry that pushing ten times further. I think it's awful that the producers are so excited to pander to the base audiences' desire for anything gratuitous and exploit the young actors/actresses, who should know better but probably do not, for their looks and desires for fame. I honestly would not be surprised if they manage to be the first cable network show that drops the F-bomb without punishment.

That being said, I refuse to watch that show.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to step off my proverbial soap box and go watch "Wizards of Waverly Place."

What's the Difference?

So, I'm washing my hair last night. I finish rinsing the shampoo and reach for my conditioner and when I picked up the bottle, guess what was written on it? Lotion. That's right. For the past two weeks I've been putting lotion in my hair instead of conditioner. And you know what? I didn't even notice a difference. Sweet.

On a completely different note, but kind of related to the last post, Mark Paul Gosselaar is now in a new show on TNT called "Raising the Bar."

They totally stole that phrase from President Hinckley.

Anyway, my question is this: how can you be off filming my "Saved By The Bell" reunion show when you're busy being in a new series?

Not cool.

Letters to Stars

Dear Mary-Kate and/or Ashley:
Why go to the trouble of being anorexic if you're just gonna wear ridiculously baggy clothes?

Dear Susan Sarandon:
Just because you're famous doesn't mean you automatically know how the political world should work.

Dear Mark Paul Gosselar:
Will you please, please, PLEASE see that a Saved By The Bell reunion show is filmed? And soon?

Dear Olympic Athletes:
What's with not putting your hand over your heart and singing along to the National Anthem when your country is being honored?

Dear Kid from Boy Meets World:
What ever happened to Jack aka Matt Lawrence? He was totally the hottest guy on your show.

Dear Alicia Silverstone:
As If!

Dear Tom Hanks:
I think it's time you and Meg made another chick flick.

Dear North Star:
Word on the street is you're supposed to be bright and easy to find. Um, could you step it up a bit?

Love,
Someone Who's Never Actually Written A Real Fan Letter

In China I...

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I wanted to just post pictures...not do a slideshow. But my computer is mad at me and so I couldn't figure out how. One day I'm gonna figure out this whole technology thing...

Also, I just re-watched the slideshow, and I had to keep my mouse on it in order to see the captions that I wrote for pictures. So, if you don't see captions, move your mouse around and maybe you will....? Sorry.

And the picture of the Hong Kong temple is not the one I meant to post, but now I'm in a hurry and have to go so you're stuck with it for now.

How Rude!

Don't even try and tell me that you did not immediately think of Stephanie Tanner when you read this blog title. I'll know you're lying. I'm sure you watched Full House as a child. And probly liked it. I bet some of you still watch the reruns that are on all the time.

Okay. I do, too.

Anyway, I know you're all just dying for my China report. What I did and what I saw and how much fun I had and blah blah blah. But you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer. Cuz I wanna talk about airlines and how they're totally rude. Okay? Okay.

I mean, first of all, they force you to show up for your flight, that will no doubt get delayed by 3 hours, 2 hours early. And then, they squish you into these tiny non-seats where even people like myself who don't require leg room still feel folded up like a lunch box. But that's not the meanest thing they do. No sir.

The worst is after the flight when you're tottering down the aisle in your newly acquired hunchback form, convinced you'll never again be able to stand straight, and they herd you past the first class section. That is just plain mean! Those chairs are bigger than my bedroom. And they have cool antennas on them that I'm sure doing something fun. And they have slippers. Slippers! Now, why anyone needs slippers on a plane is beyond me...but I want some!

One day, when I'm all wealthy from the money my fortune cookie said I'll inherit, I'm going to take a trip just so I can fly first-class. I don't even care where I go. I may even just get off the plane and get right back on another to head home. As long as I'm in first-class long enough to enjoy all the awesomeness that is spoiled luxury.

Then, when everyone else has gotten off the plane (first-class people first, as usual) I'll remain in my seat to watch to poor masses shuffle by like lemmings and I'll glory in my comfortableness. Cuz apparently I'm as mean as any airline.

God Bless The U.S.A.

Seriously-I really like America. I had fun in China and I am glad I went. But China is big. And it's crowded. And loud. And everyone has black hair. That didn't really bug me as much as the other three....but it's still true. The time I got separated from my Chinese sister-in-law it took about 8 years to find her in the crowd of people that look exactly like her. That's right. I was there two weeks, and I spent 8 years of those two weeks looking for her.

And would you believe that after traipsing all over China for two weeks I never once found a wise-saying cookie, let alone a fortune cookie?! Or beef and broccoli? Or orange chicken? What's with that?

That's all you get for my Asianic travels right now. You see, I'm still on Chinese time which means I'm busy hanging out in tomorrow while the rest of you are still stuck in today. I don't want to ruin any surprises or risk some change of future events by telling you what happens...so you'll have to wait until we're back on the same wavelengths.

Plus, I just saw a guy walk past with a Panda Express to-go box and I wanna go get me some real Chinese food.

Spending Report

-Last minute round-trip tickets to Hong Kong? My right arm and leg, and 1/2 my left leg.
-Rush fee for a business Visa to China? My first-born child.
-Rush fee for a money order cuz the Visa people didn't want a credit card? My sanity.
-Rush fee on a tourist Visa when China decided they weren't issuing any more business Visas? My soul.
-Rush fee on a NEW money order cuz the Visa people wanted it made out to someone else? A twitch in my left eyelid that I fear may be permanent.
-Getting my Visa less than 24 hours before my flight leaves? Five years off my rapidly decreasing lifespan.
-Going to China to play with family and see the 2008 Summer Olympics? Sure as heck better be priceless or it's curtains for someone!!

Up until this morning, when the FedEx man came with my Visa, I was contemplating smuggling myself into China illegally. At least I wouldn't have felt guilty since I no longer have a soul.

Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get around China on 1/2 a leg....

I'll be back in two weeks. If my absence leaves you destitute, (and really, how could it not?) feel free to do one of those memory post things where you talk about your first memory of me and how awesome I am and such.

和平!

My Nemesis

My hair hates me. I don't know what I ever did to it. Except the time I tried to cut it myself. Or permed it more times than I can count. And I did let my mother brush it out after keeping it in braids for 3 days in a row (which resulted in my hair frizzing out wider than my body). Whatever it was-my hair won't forgive me.

As result, when I spend hours trying to convince my hair that it wants to be cute and curly it rebels and the end result resembles a dead wombat.

But when I give up on my hair, clip it up to get it out of my face, play ultimate frisbee for an hour and have absolutely nowhere to go and no boy to impress---it decides to be cute. Not cool.In case you can't tell---the second picture is of my hair actually being cute. At least, I think it is. Maybe I'm wrong...

And also, the last picture is what
happened the first time I tried to take a
picture of my hair. I'm a dork.

Posers

I think authors must be overweight and unattractive people. I mean, they always make their protagonists handsome/beautiful, funny, smart etc. people, right? So I figure they must be writing about the version of themselves they wish they were. That's what I'd do if I wrote, anyway.

And another thing. Their characters never seem to know how awesome they are. Cuz humility is cool, right? But do you really believe that anyone is that unaware of their attributes? I don't. Believe me, if I were beautiful, charming and witty---I'd know it. And I'd probly make sure other people knew it as well. Most conversations would begin with me saying, "You have two eyes so I'm sure you're well aware that I'm beautiful, but I feel you should also know that I'm witty and charming."

Also, these people always LOVE to exercise like madmen. I don't know how many times I've read about some guy or girl who works out till the pain in their muscles nearly keeps them from functioning...and then we find out they like it?! Yeah, right. The only reason I like to work out is cuz when I'm finished I know that I have a whole other day before I put myself through that torture again.

Speaking of which, my chosen method of torture these days is Pilates which is, frankly, hard as a beast. I'm convinced it's really only meant for small children and Gumbi. Whatever. I've strayed from my point which is that I'm beautiful and charming. Wait-that wasn't it. 

Oh yeah, it's that authors are posers.

Wise-Saying Cookies

When I grow up I'm gonna invent a cookie that doesn't taste good with anything but Chinese food. And then, I'm gonna put fortunes in them that will give hope to the poor masses of society. Don't try and tell me this has already been done, because I won't believe you. You're thinking about the inappropriately named "fortune cookies" which are really wise-sayings, not fortunes. Why I have such a problem with this I don't know...but I find it incredibly irritating! 

Anyway, I was at a Chinese restaurant recently with some friends, and this particular one didn't give you just one cookie at the end of the meal. Oh no. They had a basket out of which you took your own. And if you were me you took about five. Here are some of my non-fortunes:

-Others see you as a wise person. Really? I probly ought to find these people and set them straight.

-You have a charming way with words. Yes. Me talk pretty.

-Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. . . . . Is it just me, or does that seem like it's saying I'm unlucky?

-You are guided by silent love and friendship around you. Yeah---and I'm way past ready for the silent love to start speaking up. Seriously. 

And finally, my one and only fortune which I am still unpatiently (and yes, I do mean unpatiently. I have a charming way with words and I take this to mean I can invent new ones as well) waiting to be fulfilled:

-You will inherit a large sum of money. It might be asking too much, but I would appreciate if I had some sort of time frame for this one.

There is No Charge for Pure Awesomeness

My cousin and I decided to get pedicures yesterday and such we're such high-rollers we decided to spring for the ones at the salon academy. Among other perks found at such places, you get genius cosmetology students who come out and say, "I don't know how to pronounce your name." Now, I get that I have a grandma name and all, but I was under the impression it was pretty basic as far as pronunciation goes... Whatever. 

Anyway, there was a crazy woman there who was talking about how she lived in Egypt and Cairo in her past life. She also died in Pompeii. And she's terrified of the number 5. Right. That was a conversation I could've lived all my life without over-hearing and still been happy. 

Also, in case I wasn't sure if I was short or had small feet...pedicure people are always happy to remind me. Cuz they're sweet like that. The chair that one would normally expect to adjust to height didn't. Remember, cuz my cousin and I went to the really fancy place? Nice, yes? So basically, my feet didn't even reach as far down as they were supposed to. I looked like a little child sitting on a high stool with my feet dangling. And boy did I feel cool.

How To Get People To Like You

Move.

No-seriously. The second my move from AZ to UT became common knowledge, I had a ton of people that I didn't even realize knew me, let alone like me, wanting to hang out.

People took me out to eat, bought movie tickets for me, made me treats, bought me presents...I felt like a pseudo-celebrity. It's possible that I even had someone tell me they wished I wasn't moving cuz they had a crush on me.

Seriously, if you ever need a boost in self-esteem, just move.

I'm A Doctor-I Know These Things.

This here is my Father. I think he's pretty dang cool and here are some reasons why:

-He's a real cowboy. I'm talking wranglers, belt buckles, President of the FFA, cattle rancher, hay baler, pack hunter, horse rider...the whole 9 yards.

-He can't whistle--but everybody loves it when he tries.

-He's a heck of a lot tougher than the other Dads I know, be they younger or older. He still beats me in long-distance races.

-He's a great card player. Not quite as good as me....but he gives me a little competition occasionally.

-He bought me my first dress. I was born in the middle of the night....and apparently was supposed to be a boy as they had no girl clothes prepared for me. So, after he made sure my mom and I were okay at the hospital, he went and waited at the store until it opened so he could be the first to buy his little girl a dress. 

-He's the most forgiving, charitable person I've ever known. He's kind to everyone and is never rude or hurtful.  Everyone that has come into contact with my dad, be it short or long term, has been exceptionally blessed by his kindness and his wonderful example of Christlike love. 

I Almost Knocked On Wood---

---then I remembered that I'm not the least bit superstitious so that would have been silly. And it would hurt my knuckles.

But anyway, I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that it's been TWO years since my last car accident. Pretty much that's the longest amount of time I've ever gone without having to call the police, file an accident report, find a towing company....all that thrilling stuff. And also, it's never been my fault. Promise.

Basically, I got my license May of '00. Accident #1: March '01. Accident #2: December '02. Accident #3: November '04.  Accident #4: June '06. 

Please everyone be happy for me. Thanks.

Sinecure: an easy job that pays well

For awhile my job fit that description. Then I quit. Also, I got tagged by my friend, Marcie. 

Name 1 of your Heroes: Susan Easton Black. The woman has managed to make a successful career out of my all-time favorite subject: LDS Church History. I'd kill to be able to travel around talking/writing/teaching about the early pioneers, Palmyra, Nauvoo... all that cool stuff. 

Name 2 Things You've Learned/Accomplished This Year: Well, I don't know if it's an accomplishment...but I did move to AZ all by my lonesome, found a job, a place to live and even made some friends! Also, I drove to Vegas all by myself. Maybe next year I'll try to accomplish something that doesn't involve me being alone...

Name 3 things You Want To Accomplish Before You Die:  

                                         

 -I'd like to not publicly embarrass myself when I speak in church tomorrow.

-I think I wanna run a marathon...maybe.

-I wanna drive cross-country in big RV.

Name 4 Books That Have Influenced the Way You Think (scriptures are a given): To Kill A Mockingbird (I want to be Mrs. Dubose), Work and the Glory Series (cuz 'member how I love Church History?), Hyrum Smith: Man of Intergrity (another one of my heroes), and Ella Enchanted (the cutest book ever!). 

The Next 5 Things You Plan on Accomplishing in the Next 5 Years:

-Move back to Utah

-Learn to drive a stick-shift

-Learn how to make cool, online photo albums

-Buy a car

-Learn to walk in high-heels without looking silly

I tag Buffy and Lisa.

We're Off To Never Never Land

Last weekend I packed myself into my figurative DeLorean, ensured the flux capacitor was operating correctly and effectively transported myself back to Jr. High. What I mean by this, is that my roomate, myself, and one other girl (all of us clearly over the age of 14) had a sleep-over in the living room. And we stayed up late playing "Truth or Dare."

This was a good thing cuz I often panic when I think about growing-up. Then I do things like this and realize I'll probly always be a kid.

Apologies to my cousins that are in this picture but it's the only one I have current access to that is from my Jr. High era. I absolutely loathe and despise this picture. More so than I do svengalis and harridans. But for some masochistic reason I can't keep myself from posting it on this blog. I know this is a bad idea. Here are some other bad ideas:

-Teenaged girls getting pictures taken.

-Teenaged girls with braces getting pictures taken.

-Teenaged girls wearing matching shirts that are 4 sizes too big, but who think that by tucking them in and then rolling up the sleeves they will look stylish. Tip to past self: it is NOT stylish.

-Teenaged girls.

Fighting With Inanimate Objects

As if I don't make life complicated enough already by fighting with my split-personalities, I've gone ahead and added inanimate objects to the list of things with which I do not get along.

It all started one day at work. Where I was bored. And hungry. But I probly wasn't hungry...I just convinced myself I was cuz I was bored. Don't judge me! I know I'm not the only person that does this!! Anyway, I went to the vending machine on the 1st floor to buy pop-tarts. There are two reasons this was stupid:
1) Pop-tarts are cardboard covered with sugared glue. Seriously-I can't even explain to you why I eat them.
2) The vending machine on the 3rd floor sells pop-tarts for 10 cents cheaper. But I was lazy and decided to pay more so I only had to walk 15 steps.
So anyway, I put in my money, the machine rotates....and the pop-tarts don't fall!! I really hate when this happens. But really, the only logical thing to do is to go back to my desk, get more money and buy the next set of pop-tarts, too. Right? So I did. And the machine turned, and the first set of pop-tarts fell-but the second one didn't!!!! So, guess what I did? I went back to my desk, got more money, and bought the third set. Fortunately, they fell along with the second set so the vicious cycle didn't continue.
And what did I end up with? Two sets of pop-tarts I didn't want (okay, I fake wanted them-but quit judging), 3 set of pop-tarts I shouldn't have, and $1.90 less than I would have had if I just went to the third floor in the first place.

Vending machine: 1 Barbara: 0

Story #2. I bought this pink bracelet from Target and it's real cute. It's also really ghetto and left a pink mark on my arm. How surprising. Cuz Target is real high class and all, right?
Side story: The mark was like the kind you got on your finger from cheap CTR rings. Only it was bright pink. And everyone noticed it and started calling it my Scarlet Letter (even though it clearly was NOT a letter) which is ironic cuz I'm a little bit of a prude. Side story over.
So everytime I wore the bracelet, it left a mark. But I was already mad that the vending machine bested me and I was not gonna let the bracelet do the same so I kept wearing it and it kept marking my arm. My co-worker freaked out for a minute cuz she thought it was lead paint from China and I was gonna die. Don't worry though, I've been feeling fine. Minus that fact that my hair's falling out, my tongue has turned white and I can no longer pronounce my r's. Big deal.
Bottom line is...I put clear nail polish on the inside of my bracelet and this accomplished two things. My clear nail polish now has a bright pink tint to it...and I can wear the bracelet without it marking my arm!!

Bracelet: 0 Barbara: 1

Narcissism

Mmkay. My friend, Margo, tagged me and the rules say, "this one is different; you have to list 5 interesting facts or habits about yourself." I don't see how this is a lot different than other tags...but hey, any excuse to talk about myself is fun. Right? So, here goes.

5. I had a really hard time thinking of what I was going to write because I'm pretty sure everything about me is interesting! How can I choose just five? 

4. Despite the above fact, I'm continually trying to convince myself that I am not a self-absorbed, geeky narcissist. I mean, big deal that I have a blog that I use as a forum to constantly talk about myself. So what that I check it way too often to see if people commented. Who cares if I really think everything about me is interesting? (Actually, I really don't. The phrase I usually use to describe myself is "dull as a box of rocks." This is especially helpful when I'm trying to get out of being set up on a blind date.) Now, if that doesn't highlight my humble and unassuming personality...I don't know what will.

3. I go through phases of the boys that I like. It all started with neighborhood boys. There are 8 different boys that lived within a block of me that I had crushes on. Two of them were brothers. I'm not necessarily proud of that...but I do think it's funny. Then there was the soccer phase. This was probly the most intense and unhealthy phase. I was the "Team Mom" for my friends' soccer team of 14 boys. Of those 14 I had, at one point or another, crushes on 9 of them. Good grief! Now, with those two phases, the crushes usually did not overlap. I cannot say the same for the current phase: the internet boys. Now that I think about it, this is probly less healthy than the soccer phase... Seriously though; Paul Brogan, Barats and Bereta, and Eric Snider. In case anyone ever wondered why this brilliantly interesting and witty girl is single...there's your answer.

2. In the past week, two different boys called me coy. I'm not sure they meant it as a good thing. And even if they did, I'm not sure I like it.

1. I hate driving---it's not fun. Despite that, I'm about to drive from Phoenix to Vegas all ALONE. Why? Because I'm going to "Memorial Day Weekend Festivus for the Rest of Us" and I'm ecstatic! Not about the driving. I'm ecstatic about the Festivusing that will take place.

So there ya go. Five stimulating facts about yours truly. I'm not gonna tag anyone...but if you like this idea and you do it, let me know.

Wait-just kidding. I tag my partner in crime cuz I think this might bug her and that thought amuses me.

Do NOT Take Me Out To the Ballgame!!!

I don't want peanuts or cracker jacks (well, maybe I want some cracker jacks) and I sure as heck do care if I never get back!!

Seriously, baseball has got to be the worst sport ever. It's so boring!! And to add insult to injury-it's LONG!! Nine innings?? Nine? Why I agreed to go to a date that I knew involved baseball is beyond me. I think it had something to do with the whole, be-open-to-opportunities-and-be-social-and-let-that-one-guy-see-that-you-have-other-options leaf that I'm trying to turn over.

Now, some people say that hockey is a worse sport than baseball. However, since I'm not Canadian, Michigonian or white-trash, hockey doesn't actually register in my mind as an actual sport.

Despite my lack of fondness towards baseball, I will say that I think 'Sandlot' is the universal best movie. I mean, everyone can enjoy it: boys, girls, adults, kids etc. It's got something for everyone. Plus, Yeah-Yeah is hot. Right? My brother and I were talking one time about how everyone can enjoy this movie, and he said that he doesn't think cats can. Well, to this I say that cats don't have souls so I'm not certain they enjoy anything. They don't count. Just like hockey doesn't count.

And speaking of baseball, one of my co-workers told me our new co-worker is dating a guy that plays football for the San Francisco Giants. I politely informed her that the SF Giants don't typically employ football players and I was curious as to how that was working out. I just think that was kinda funny and wanted to share.

Things To Avoid

-Svengalis: A person who, with evil intent, tries to persuade another to do what is desired.
-Harridans: A woman regarded as scolding and vicious.

On a related note, these are the new words which I will use to refer to my enemies.
Unfortunately (I suppose some might say fortunately), I cannot currently think of any enemies -which makes future use of said words questionable.

I'm the Mommy...That's Why.

I was inspired by the lady whose blog I stalk, er, frequent often because I think she's hilarious. Her post about her mom today was very sweet and so I'm copying her format. 

Dear Mom-

Thanks for passing on your love for reading. Some of my favorite memories are reading 'Little House on the Prairie" with you and my brothers or begging to read just one more chapter of Nancy Drew at night when you tucked me in.

Thanks for teaching me how to memorize...and providing compensation for doing so:) I'm glad I can still remember poems, scriptures and songs I learned as a child...or at least parts of them.

Thanks for making sure I know how to cook, clean, do laundry etc. I may hate the phrase "Domestic Goddess," but that doesn't mean I can't be a darn good one.

Thanks for making music one of the most important parts of my life.

Thanks for doing family genealogy and teaching me about my ancestors.

I'd say thanks for passing on your love of chocolate, but so far that just gets me in trouble.

Thanks for marrying my dad. You've said it before, (and I'm sure you'll say it again) the best thing you ever did for my brothers and me was marry him.

Thank you for instilling in me a love of America and all things patriotic. And thank you for being willing to serve to keep those things alive. I could never have the guts to do it, but I'll always be proud to vote for you.

Thank you for showing me, by your example, that you had a testimony of the Gospel. I have relied on your faith more times than I can count and have seen hundreds, besides myself, blessed through your countless acts of service.

I love you, Mama.

XXIV

Well folks, it's official. I'M 24!!! Yikes. 

I was originally going to write a post with 24 facts about myself. Then I thought, "My mercy! Could you be any more self-centered? It's not as if you don't already have a plethora of posts focused solely on you. Good grief. Talk about something new." And then I got a little distracted thinking about what I did on my last birthday, and the birthday before that....and then I thought, "I'm gonna write a post about 24 of my favorite memories." And I can hear what you're thinking. "How is that different than 24 facts about herself?" To which I say, "Hey! My blog! My birthday! Leave me be!"

24. Playing "Milk and Cookies" with Perry when we shared a room and were supposed to be asleep. 23. Finally going to my favorite foreign country, Germany. 22. Performing for the wives of the General Authorities. Simultaneously the scariest and nicest audience I've ever had. 21. Going to New York with my dad. 20. The first time I got to vote for my mom. 19. Living across the street from the temple in Nauvoo. 18. My first Vegas weekend at the PorterHouse (and yes, that is supposed to be one word). 17. Winning the Intramural co-ed soccer championship last summer with Flava of Love! 16. Watching BYU beat Utah in football at the last second TWO years in a row!! Go Cougars!!  15. Finally being at a live soccer game in which Brian McBride scored! 14. "Modeling" for Limited 2 with Lisa. 13. Turning 16 so Sara, Chrissy and I could finally take that road trip. Oh wait...we never did actually take that trip:) You guys free this summer? 12. The night that Buffy and I realized it was "because I'm in America." 11. Hiding Tiff's bed in the closet, crazy dress-up, cheesy teen romances, and a hidden tooth-brush in Nauvoo with Nicole and Emily. 10. Springfield, IL and Notre Dame with Liz. 9. The graduation breakfast for the boys at Camille's house. 8. ER, Evil Mermaid and Rock Pox stories with Shells and Margo. 7. She's the Man, a pink couch, Chocolate Fair, the Creamery, Pull Handle and wedding dresses with Em. 6. Re-enacting the greenhouse scene of Airborne with Johnny. 5. Riding horses with Perry and going to a soccer game with Joey before I moved. 4. Sleep-overs on the tramp, the water game and murder-in-the-dark with cousins. 3. Getting texts from and sharing books with my nephew, Zach. 2. Alaskan Cruise with my whole family. 1. Realizing that even though life isn't always easy, I've had a great 24 years thanks to wonderful family, friends and the Gospel. 

And yes, I do realize how much I just sounded like a MasterCard commercial.